Thank you, Fred, for cutting and running on your bid for the Presidency on the same day the media chose to hype as the “Panic of ’08.” It did wonders for morale of your party.

Thank you, Fred, for hiring yourself a team of old-school advisers and allowing them to force you into those high-end suits and dark rooms laden with drapes more expensive than your famous red pickup truck, and allowing your strong voice and commanding on-air presence to become nothing more than a Jacksonesque voiceover for leftover Reaganites.

Thank you, Fred, for subjecting the author of this column and one of your earliest supporters to relentless ridicule and subsequent recruitment tactics of ardent Huckabee supporters who assume that your voluntary downfall leaves Christians with nowhere else to turn. Such is the lesson of grace.

Thank you, Fred, for teaching your fellow Tennesseans a lesson about early voting. You knew that the majority of Tennessee voters historically cast their ballots before the others, and that your nonchalant withdrawal during the process would discourage this first-time Presidential voter from ever exercising this opportunity again.

Thank you, Fred, for waiting until the nastiest, dreariest, coldest day to bail out. I want you to know that your stupid bumper sticker was frozen to my car. But a hairdryer, hot sponge, and razor blade later, it’s off.

Thank you, Fred, for not squelching the media matchmaking between you and John McCain. There is no better way to communicate that you aren’t in it to win anything.

Thank you, Fred, for proving to the professional politicians that campaigns do have to start too early for anyone to care, rendering your brand of “wait and see” politics exactly the kind of laziness with which you were labeled.

Thank you, Fred, for teaching an unfortunate but much-needed lesson to your supporters. You just proved to everyone that a conservative resume, sound economic policy, philosophical understanding of foreign relations, and movie-star image are simply not enough. You didn’t communicate much, but you communicated something about passion and conviction that we would like to consider uniquely American. There’s something to be said about enthusiasm and boundless desire to accomplish that which we believe is right. Forty-two men before you had the words to say it – you did not.

NOTE: Readers should be aware that this column will not endorse or promote any Republican candidate for the Presidency for the remainder of the 2007-2008 academic year. Any candidate mentioned in these few inches of newsprint space will only be appropriately and thoroughly criticized, as a true and just reflection of the nature of this election year. However, anyone who can immediately procure a Mitt Romney bumper sticker and/or t-shirt should contact the author as soon as possible.